He took me to a beach surrounded by large red boulders and cliffs on one side and the ocean on the other. It was a cove that no other had access to except us. We sat, our backs against a large boulder jutting out of the sand not far from the waves. He pulled my legs over his lap and wrapped his strong arms around me, encircling me in all his warmth. I almost cried in relief to feel the closeness of his strength and love after so long wandering.
"I'm sorry for losing sight of who you are. For letting my faith be shaken and losing my joy in you." My throat ached at letting him down.
He kissed my shoulder softly and his voice was deep and familiar and full of love, "Chel, I accept your apology. Thank you for letting it out - you've been carrying the burden of it all for too long." His arms tightened around me. "I love you."
And we were quiet for a while. "Don't let it be so long til you seek me out next time, sweetness."
I asked him for scripture but he wanted us to stay where we were and talk.
"What do you want to talk about then," I asked, my head nestled on his shoulder.
"You." he said, his face buried in my hair.
I sighed and waited
"You can't be perfect Chel, you can't carry the burden of changing yourself into a superhuman. You need to let go. Your brain is a restless currant - always wanting to search out the deep reasons and know why. That's always going to be your difficulty darling, being able to let go of the need for answers and trust me."
I felt such peace being near him and listening to the sound of his voice. Then my thoughts drifted to this coming weekend and seeing the estranged Aunt I had hurt. Shame and guilt hammers at me always over what i did to our family. "Oh my Jesus, I'm so sorry for what I did, please help me to forgive her for not letting go."
His big hand cupped my cheek and his light seemed to pour over me, "Chel, you've been forgiven for that a long time ago. Did you know darling, that I'm a healer - and when I see someone with wounds I long to pour my healing over them? I love you even more because of your need for me Chel. Not less."

'God's my island hideaway, keeps danger far from shore...' psalms 32
I couldn't remember where it says he's my hiding place so he told me to try psalms 32 and there it was! Things have been so rough. My faith is so shaky right now - my mind went through a whole big loop over why he lets things happen and I felt totally out of control. I've been so upset about the whole adoption crash. Last night I had a breakdown, 'Then I let it all out, I said 'I'll make a clean breast of my failures to God. Suddenly the pressure was gone - my guilt dissolved, my sin disappeared. These things add up. Every one of us needs to pray; when all hell breaks loose and the dam bursts we'll be on high ground, untouched." (msg)
Last night he sent me a rainbow (a real one) and it was huge. I know he is love and I want to choose him over the other things of life I desire, even when it always feels like "no." I want to trust him and give him my life. He told me I need to hide in him right now and let him heal me. I was so afraid I had let him down. He gave me the word "to" a direction word or a specifier. He told me to look to him. That confession isn't about sin or guilt or duty - it's about which direction you're facing - it isn't confession that takes away sin, it's merely that it frees us to look to the one who already did, and by doing so letting ourselves let go of sin.

It took me a bit to find him this morning and I got desperate because I need him so much. I was just calling him, looking for him when he was right beside me with his arms around me in a tight hug and he quieted me with a squeeze and a kiss "Chel, I'm right here, my beautiful girl."
I've been missing him so much. And going through my head all of a sudden was the thought about God's love that came up in conversation with my cousin the other day. She mentioned a book she was reading (Jesus mean and wild) and how it was so good because it wasn't all fluffy love stuff but instead about consequences to our actions. Ever since she mentioned it to me it's been flying around in the back of my head - but I wasn't sure why it bugged me so much until my big, strong Savior brought it up.
"Fluffy?! Chel, what am I - a bird?" And he showed me this silly picture of a budgie with all its feathers fluffed up and ruffled.
"Our love, my luv, is ground shaking, earth shattering intensity and passion - able to change you from the inside out. That's what you've experienced and that's why that conversation bothers you so much.
Let me tell you a story of a beautiful girl who went through life looking for more. Looking for love in all the unknown places (all the boys I had been attracted too flashed through my head) with an ache that was never filled. (he showed me how he had protected me from all those possibly bad relationships) But it wasn't until she thought her fairy tale had come true - and then lost in a slow and painful death that she found the presence she had always longed for but had only glimpsed. That she found love beyond all others." His voice was deep and full and filled me with shivers as he spoke.
A love that I can't hardly believe is mine and an intensity that amazes me every day - no more apathy for me!
And then with a nudge and a huge love that overwhelmed me he pointed out the verse in Isaiah that I had missed before.
"This exile is just like the days of Noah for me: I promised then that the waters of Noah would never again flood the earth. I'm promising now no more anger, no more dressing you down. For even if the mountains walk away and the hills fall to pieces, My love won't walk away from you, my covenant commitment of peace won't fall apart." (msg)
I am so amazed by his generosity and the things he's so willing to share with me about himself. We talked about why people are so drawn to consequences and how it makes us feel better to better ourselves a bit. "Fluffy love stuff" is not really knowing or experience the truth and depth of his love.

Sometimes all it takes is one image or one verse to steady my world. Sometimes he gives me more, but one flash of him gathering me up to his chest - or a glimpse of him kissing the top of my head is enough to let peace trickle and then flow back through my head and my heart.
Last night I was feeling desperate for his voice and he right away gave me this promise "even if the mountains walk away and the hills fall to pieces, my love won't walk away from you, my covenant commitment of peace won't fall away." (msg)
Our adoption plans just went down with a big crash. I turned to him in confusion, wondering what to think and he pulled me up in his big arms so I was resting against his chest
"Come here luv," he held me close and kissed my head.
"it's ok Jesus, I know you're in charge and I trust you." I said quietly
"No, It's not, sweetness." And the sound of the compassion in his voice made my throat ache
"Chel, being close to me doesn't mean you don't feel things - it doesn't mean nothing affects you, or that you need to be superhuman. It means you let me be the wall you collapse on or lean against - it means you feel my love through the rollercoaster and depth of what is happening. It means you know I'm feeling what you're feeling and that I can carry you." He pulled me so close that I could hear his heart beating, and I felt his love and comfort flooding over me. I remembered that I am his and I started to cry as the hurt crashed in.
"I've got you." his deep voice was quiet and full of love, "I'll carry you today, ok Chel?"
And I felt high and safe in his arms as he started walking. And he made me feel small and treasured and light in his huge embrace.